Amaka* sat on her bed, staring at her phone. Her ex-husband had called four times that morning, each time about who would pick up their son from school.
The stress wasn’t merely about the schedule. It was also the sting of her mother-in-law telling her she had “failed as a wife” and should “swallow her pride and go back.”
Amaka was thirty-two. She wanted to focus on her career or spend time with friends, but instead, she was trying to survive each day.
She had to manage tense conversations with her ex, deal with feelings of shame, and stay strong for her child.
She loved her son deeply. But love didn’t stop her from feeling tired.
Between sleepless nights, pressure to stay strong, and judgment from others, Amaka wondered if she would ever feel normal again.
She described that first month as full of tears, arguments, and silence.
(*Name changed, details anonymized)
Why the First Month Feels So Hard
After a separation, life can feel confusing and heavy.
One day, you’re sharing responsibilities with a partner.
Next, you’re alone and trying to manage grief, paperwork, decisions about your children, and questions from family.
Psychologists say separation is one of the most stressful life events.
In Nigeria, it can feel even harder because of cultural expectations.
Marriage is often seen as a sign of success, and separation is viewed as failure.
Many people in Amaka’s situation deal with:
- Strong emotions like anger, sadness, and guilt that change quickly
- Stress from handling money, custody, or moving
- Hurtful comments like “You didn’t try hard enough”
- Feeling alone when friends or family don’t know how to help
These struggles can lead to depression or anxiety.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Do I need therapy or should I just be stronger?” you’re not the only one.
The Problem With “Just Endure”
In many Nigerian homes, people are told to pray more or be strong for their children.
While faith and strength matter, these messages can make people hide their pain instead of dealing with it.
Amaka heard things like “Other women are enduring worse,” which made her feel guilty for struggling.
She waited too long to get help because she thought her pain meant she was weak.
This delay is common and risky.
Pain that is ignored often shows up later as stress, panic, or health problems.
Knowing when to seek help – like when you cry often, feel panicked, or can’t do daily tasks – is important.
How to Cope in the First 30 Days
You don’t have to just survive the first month.
With small steps and support, you can begin to feel more stable.
These strategies are based on research and adapted to Nigerian life.
1. Let Yourself Feel
It’s okay to cry, feel angry, confused, or even relieved. Holding back emotions slows down healing.
Try this:
- Accept your feelings, even if others don’t
- Write in a journal each night
- If you pray, be honest in your prayers
- Feeling pain doesn’t mean you’re weak
2. Stay Connected
Being alone during separation can make things worse.
Staying in touch with safe people helps.
Try this:
- Talk to one or two trusted friends
- Look into therapy options like Mindforte Psychology Clinic
- Join online support groups for separated or divorced women
3. Set Boundaries With Family
Amaka felt stressed by her ex’s family. Setting limits helped her feel safer.
Try this:
- Use calm phrases like “I’m focusing on healing right now”
- Limit calls or visits in the early weeks
- Use a mediator for co-parenting issues
- Boundaries protect your peace
4. Build a Simple Routine
Daily habits can help you feel more in control.
Try this:
- Take short walks in your area
- Eat balanced meals, even when stressed
- Play with your child using games like Ayo or Ten-Ten
- Routine helps your mind feel steady
5. Use CBT Tools
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps you manage tough thoughts.
Try this:
- Breathe deeply: inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6
- Write down fearful thoughts and challenge them
- Say kind things to yourself like “I’m healing, step by step”
- CBT is practical and easy to use
6. Focus Co-Parenting on the Child
The first month often brings conflict. Keeping things focused on your child helps.
Try this:
- Use text or email when emotions are high
- Talk about your child’s needs, not past issues
- Agree on routines to avoid confusion
- Your child needs your presence more than perfection
7. Know When to Get Help
Sometimes, emotions stay heavy no matter what you try.
Therapy can help when you notice:
- Panic or constant worry
- Trouble caring for yourself or your child
- Feeling hopeless
- Feeling disconnected from reality
Therapy gives you tools and a safe space to rebuild your life.
What Healing Can Look Like
Amaka didn’t believe therapy would help at first. But after using CBT, building routines, and setting boundaries, she felt better.
She still co-parents and deals with family pressure, but she no longer feels overwhelmed.
Early support makes a big difference. The first month is a time to begin healing.
What You Can Do Next
If you’re going through separation:
- Healing takes time, but it’s possible
- You’re not alone – many people go through this
- You don’t have to suffer quietly
- If you’re wondering about therapy, this might be the right time
Mindforte Psychology Clinic offers private and caring support.
Book an appointment here: www.mindforte.net/booking
What to Keep in Mind
The first month after separation can feel overwhelming.
But there are tools and support to help you through.
Have you experienced separation?
What helped you cope in those early days?
Please, share your thoughts in the comments.
